But the world isn t perfect. A daughter is chemically dependent, and her parents fear she would use her inheritance to purchase drugs. A son s marriage is on the rocks, and his parents don t want their hard-earned wealth to become part of a divorce settlement. Two children have demonstrated financial competence, while a third is mired in credit card debt. The couple s children are feuding.

What are parents to do?

The first step is to assess the situation objectively, says David Gottlieb, financial adviser with Edward D. Jones and Co. In most cases, parents have a good sense of who has a head on her shoulders and who doesn t,  he says. More often than not, when I meet with families, they ll say, We have two kids: One child who knows what s going on and one who can t handle this.  

Parents must determine if (children) are good stewards or heirs of their resources,  adds Albert G. Hehr III, partner with Hehr and Myers Co. LPA. It s also important to recognize that while parents are alive, estate planning documents are revocable. We can change things, so (heirs) might get equal amounts, but in different ways. It may force one child to have a relationship with a CPA or another with a financial planner. 

In other words, children would receive the same assets, but how and when the assets are distributed could differ among heirs. To ensure assets are distributed equally among children n even when the family situation is unconventional or complicated n Hehr recommends creating a trust.

Trusts can be written to enhance your morals and beliefs,  the attorney says. It s important to go to a counseling-oriented attorney who will find out what your goal is. 

In the case of the drug-addicted child, a trust could specify that she can t directly receive her inheritance until she remains sober for a predetermined amount of time. Another trust could keep assets safe from a future threat, such as a child s estranged spouse. By properly extending a traditional estate plan into the dynasty trust arena, you can provide for many generations and make sure your resources stay within your bloodline. 

Some trusts ensure children receive certain benefits their parents believe they might not otherwise enjoy. My grandmother had a trust for my father,  Hehr relates. Every year on Grandma s birthday, he got a check for a vacation. If he didn t take a trip, he didn t get the money. After Grandma passed, my dad would take us on a vacation every year. 

Most importantly, trusts can explain why parents may have distributed their wealth differently among their children, Hehr says. In one couple s case, a child attended an expensive university that the parents paid for. Another child attended a less-costly school, but she paid her own tuition. In their trust, the parents explained their decision to leave a larger inheritance to the daughter who paid her own way.

Sometimes it isn t a matter of not trusting heirs, but acknowledging that the younger generation s financial philosophy differs from that of their parents. Age often becomes the determining factor of whether an individual is capable  of managing money wisely,  says Grant Dinner, partner and chief operating officer of Weinberg Wealth Management, LLC. In those cases, Dinner recommends consulting with an advisory team that includes financial advisers, accountants, attorneys and estate planners.

Experts agree that it s usually prudent for parents to inform children of estate-planning decisions, even when the discussions have the potential to create conflict.

People fear their children won t talk to them again  when they disclose estate-planning decisions, Gottlieb says. I recommend they at least touch on (the fact) that there is something for everybody, and they want to make sure that the money is set up in the best possible way for each one. 

And don t give children everything they want, he says. We teach kids who are just starting to work how to start saving money now, as opposed to putting them in a position of waiting for their inheritance.

Parents need to tell their kids, You re going to stumble and fall, and if you desperately need help, we ll help you. But you have to learn how to make it on your own.  Personal responsibility has disappeared. - N.P.L.